What on EARTH is Tony doing, pouring his beer into a Cubs coffee mug? Is this some Cubs tradition I don't know about? Why did this mug even need to have a Cubs logo on it? Is that significant? SO MANY QUESTIONS.

For as long as I can remember, my family has made it a tradition to have an egg hunt at Easter. We always use plastic eggs filled with candy, and my dad always leaves a trail of clues leading from one location to the next. These clues are always rhyming poems, and they always get increasingly difficult from year to year. In fact, there were several times during this year's search when I turned to my brother and whispered, "I think Dad is on crack. This doesn't make ANY. FREAKING. SENSE."

Of course, they all make sense now, but there were a number of brain cramps along the way.

Clue:
Here Idols sing for / Mom so sweet / And you'll find candy / Just take a seat

Location:
The padded bench in my parents' bedroom where my mom and I watch American Idol every week.

Clue:
A yard apart / Sit fire and ice / Peek at the moon / Find something nice

Location:
Between the freezer and the furnace in the basement, sitting beneath the telescope.

Clue:
Stuff goes here / To be seen once more / Dig down deep / For treasure galore

Location:
Recycling bin in my father's study.

Clue:
You rocked here / When you were little / You had no hair / But lots of spittle

Location:
Rocking chair. *sigh* I almost didn't post this one. My parents were cracking up about "spittle" for like twenty minutes straight.

Clue:
Like a big red dog / Or Christmas pet / Search beneath the wheel / And a treasure get

Location:
Under the steering wheel in the van, which we almost named "Clifford" (because it's red) but instead named "Kia Pet" (because I foolishly mentioned that Kia sounded like Chia).

Clue:
I like to spin / I like to hop / Find a bunny / Beneath my top

Location:
Washing machine. I couldn't get this one at first, and then my mom piped in saying, "I know what's taking her so long! I'll explain when she's done." My dad told her she was being cruel. I then realized that it must be a cleaning product that I don't use very often. Thanks, Mom.

Do you still have Easter egg hunts? Or do you do something even more awesome? If so, please let me know. I'm not sure how much longer I'll be able to decode my father's insanity.

Many moons ago, I was playing Zelda on my little Game Boy Advance. I was creating my second character, and I decided that he should have a funny name. (Everyone chooses "Link" at least once, and it just gets old after that.) I chose "Pants." Nothing seemed funnier to me than someone running around shouting pretentious dialogue at a man named Pants. Just trust me that it's awesome.

Anyway, that refueled my love affair with using "-pants" as a suffix in nicknames. At some point, I called my friend "Danielpants." I became Rachelskirts, and you know the story from there.

In order to save this past weekend from becoming a major snoozefest (my computer was being reformatted! oh noez!), I whipped out Ye Olde N64 and dusted off "Zelda: Ocarina of Time." Great things ensued.

I first started with "Kenny," actually. I die a lot, so it made sense to pay homage to South Park's Kenny in this way. Then, because things weren't awesome enough, a "..ladies" file was born.

Now, let me just say that the Great Deku Tree always scares the poop out of me anyway because there are spiders around every single corner. GROSS. But not as gross as this.

About five minutes into the Great Deku Tree, I handed over the controls to my brother, who is less squeamish around made-up spiders than I am. I am better suited to a game like Mario Kart, which involves zero skill but still offers the chance to laugh maniacally when your opponent loses every single time.

That's right, Juan Pedro. YOU LOSE, SUCKER!

Seriously, though. Don't ask me how he came in 6th place.