I've been telling people for years not to expect anything great from me before noon. If for some unholy reason I happen to be awake before then, I guarantee I will be struggling to survive. Today's breakfast routine was a prime example of exactly how I operate during the morning hours.

Step One: Head downstairs at 11 a.m. for breakfast. Note that there is gross Kashi cereal on the counter.

Step Two: Pour gross cereal into a bowl, since walking the extra five feet for real cereal (Lucky Charms) would require remembering how to move my legs.

Step Three: Open refrigerator to find there is no milk to put on cereal. Grumble loudly and curse Monday for being grocery day.

Step Four: Put frozen bagel in the microwave. Retrieve cream cheese from refrigerator. Notice the lack of milk, juice, and every other beverage. Curse Monday again.

Step Five: Retrieve glass from cupboard. Open refrigerator to get beverage. Remember that I just saw this empty refrigerator. Curse Monday again.

Step Six: Make cup of coffee. Leave room in the mug for milk and chocolate syrup.

Step Seven: Remember that, ZOMG!, there still isn't any freaking milk in the refrigerator. Run upstairs to curse Monday online.

Things that are currently driving me bonkers:

• The sound of my father chomping on carrots down the hall.
• Blogs which fail to embrace proper capitalization.
• This stupid felt nub that is supposed to function as a mouse on the ancient craptop I have stolen from my father.
• Not having access to my own computer because it is being reformatted.
• The buzzing noise made by the same fly that woke me up this morning.
• Being suckered into thinking that the clear blue sky and brilliant sun were indicators of warmer weather.
• How much I suck at playing guitar.

Things that almost make me forget how cranky I am:

• Not being attacked at church this morning by people wanting to point out the weird formatting error I missed.
• Getting a new 500GB hard drive from Office Depot for the same price as the 250GB one, which they no longer had in stock.
• Boxes and boxes of Girl Scout cookies.
• Freshly painted toenails.
• Poking my snoring cat and watching her groggy little eyes adjust to the sunlight.
• Setting aside time to read for the fun of it.
• Kicking ass at Minesweeper, even with a stupid little nubby mouse substitute.

Dear Frodo Baggins,

My ear has really been bugging me lately. Actually, it's the area directly behind my left earlobe. Some dull, stabby pain has been distracting me for two weeks, but I'm too afraid to go to the doctor. I don't really want to know what's wrong.

Last night, I was drooling over your hotness in The Fellowship of the Ring, and I felt the urge to lay my head down on its right side. Within moments, the pain behind my ear began to subside. By staying that way throughout the entirety of the movie, I was able to get several hours of relief.

I'd like to think that this was your idea, which you telepathically communicated to me. Thanks, love. You're the bestest.

And now that I've convinced most of the internet that I have not only lost my marbles but have also possibly swallowed them or stuffed them up my nose, I am going to go watch you in The Two Towers. The puddle of drool on my blanket has sufficiently dried from last night, and my ear is starting to hurt again.

See you soon, darling!

Much love,
Rachelskirts