Since the first time I showed interest in a kitten, way back in my days as a toddler, people have felt compelled to buy me any number of things related to felines. Although the most interesting item I have ever received along these lines was the bobble-head, cat-shaped, Tiffany-style lamp, purchased for me by my grandma, the most popular gift of choice is easily books. I am thus the owner of a never-ending collection of tomes regarding the proper way to care for cats, stories of cats, facts about cats, myths about cats, jokes about cats, and anything in between.

These books taught me two things that have stuck with me to this day. First, cats supposedly start purring before they die. I received my first kitten as a gift from my parents for not crying during the first week of kindergarten. However, I spent many an afternoon weeping as I held my new kitten, hoping to high heaven that Patches was purring out of happiness this time and not because his heart was about to collapse.

The second thing I learned about cats is that, in a room full of people, they tend to gravitate toward the person showing them the least attention. This person is deemed to be the least threatening and aggressive and, therefore, the owner of the safest lap upon which to nap.

Having taken inventory of my most recent crushes in life and their astounding disinterest in me, I'm wondering if I spent too much of my childhood pretending to be a tiger and not enough time burning those traumatizing cat books.

"Pythagorean picnicking." That is the subject line of the spam email that has been sitting in my inbox for almost two weeks now. Every morning, I stare at that message and wonder what I'm doing wrong with my life that I have yet to experience the magic of this mathematical dining experience. I don't know what that type of outing would entail, but it sounds just nerdy enough to be amazing. Either that, or it would be so extremely cheesy that it would be incredible in its own right, much like the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie.

If you haven't seen that movie yet, you're totally missing out on tons of bad drama, bad dialogue, and the opportunity to hear Michaelangelo say, "Ew! He's in my nose! Oh, man, now he's in my mouth!" after inhaling the glittery ashes of a dead man. I think I pulled a muscle trying to stifle my own laughter.

Sadly, the guy who voices Splinter for the movie is now dead. This is tragic mostly because he was also the voice of Aku in Samurai Jack, one of the best cartoons of all time. Without Aku, the show cannot go on, and it is for that reason alone that I am out of tissues for the second time this semester. (I should invest my tax refund money in Kleenex stock. I'm pretty sure that I will be keeping them in business for many years to come.)

I guess my only hope for making it through this next week is to try out this whole Pythagorean picnicking idea with some cute guy on campus. More on this story as it unfolds . . .

Is it just me, or are we going to have to start a petition to ban not only Comic Sans but Scriptina, as well? Those are two seriously overused and tragically misused fonts, folks. To all the millions of MySpace girls whipping up some awful, glittery, neon avatar with either of those fonts right now, please do us all a favor and step away from Photoshop, chop off your hands, and never go near a computer again. Thank you.